Money and love—a potent mix that can either strengthen or shatter relationships. But what if the key to a stronger bond and financial prosperity lies in those awkward, often-avoided money talks? In their groundbreaking book, Money Together, Heather and Douglas Boneparth reveal that open, proactive financial discussions can transform relationships, turning potential conflicts into opportunities for growth. But here’s where it gets controversial: they argue that avoiding these conversations isn’t just risky—it’s a missed chance to deepen your connection and secure your future.
The Boneparths kick off their book with a relatable yet cringe-worthy anecdote: a couple hashing out their financial secrets over a cold seafood salad on their honeymoon in Positano, Italy. (Yes, the authors were vacationing nearby and couldn’t help but overhear.) The husband’s hidden credit card debt and the wife’s unaddressed student loans had finally bubbled to the surface. While this couple waited too long, the Boneparths emphasize that such conversations, though uncomfortable, are essential—and sooner rather than later.
Money isn’t just about dollars and cents; it’s tied to emotions, history, and identity. Heather explains to CNBC, ‘Money is more than money. It’s about love, safety, independence, trust, and control.’ These underlying feelings often fuel financial arguments, especially when scarcity or differing values come into play. For instance, what one partner considers a smart investment might feel reckless to the other, rooted in their unique upbringings or cultural beliefs.
Heather and Douglas, who met in college and married in 2013, offer practical advice for navigating these complexities. They stress the importance of understanding your partner’s financial mindset—why they spend, save, or fear certain financial decisions. ‘Your dreams need real roadmaps,’ they write, urging couples to move beyond vague aspirations and create actionable plans for shared goals like debt repayment, homeownership, or retirement.
Douglas, a certified financial planner and president of Bone Fide Wealth, and Heather, the firm’s director of business and legal affairs, bring both professional expertise and personal experience to their advice. Their interview, edited for clarity, dives into the emotional and practical aspects of financial partnership.
‘When there is scarcity, you see shame rear its head,’ Heather notes, highlighting how financial stress can expose vulnerabilities and create power imbalances. She shares her own struggle with $200,000 in student debt, a burden that felt crushing until Doug co-signed a loan to refinance it. ‘He was saying, “Your burdens are my burdens,”’ she recalls, a gesture that redefined their partnership.
But here’s a thought-provoking question: Is it ever okay for one partner to ‘save’ the other financially? Heather cringes at the idea, arguing it can create an unhealthy dynamic where one person feels inferior or incapable. ‘I’ve built my confidence back, brick by brick,’ she says, emphasizing the importance of mutual respect and shared responsibility.
The Boneparths introduce the concept of ‘making room’ for your partner’s financial perspectives. This means acknowledging their beliefs, goals, and risk tolerance—even when they differ from your own. For example, if one partner prioritizes saving for emergencies while the other wants to invest in experiences, finding a balance requires understanding the ‘why’ behind each viewpoint.
What happens when couples avoid these conversations? Doug warns of resentment and eroded trust. ‘Hiding financial details, whether it’s debt or spending habits, never stays hidden forever,’ he says. The longer the truth is concealed, the harder it becomes to address.
So, when should couples start talking about money? The earlier, the better—but not in a way that feels like an interrogation. Instead of diving into bank statements on date three, ask about their childhood, values, or how they were raised around money. These conversations reveal financial attitudes without feeling intrusive.
When it comes to joint vs. separate accounts, the Boneparths advocate for a hybrid approach. Joint accounts foster transparency and teamwork for household expenses, while individual accounts maintain financial autonomy. But what if one partner earns significantly more? The authors suggest focusing on ‘financial fairness,’ where both feel valued for their contributions, whether monetary or otherwise.
And this is the part most people miss: conversations about family wealth and inheritances aren’t just about money—they’re about emotions, expectations, and boundaries. If one partner stands to inherit a large sum while the other gets nothing, it’s crucial to discuss how this fits into your shared future.
Finally, with layoffs dominating headlines, the Boneparths advise couples to approach job loss with empathy and patience. ‘Losing a job can feel like losing your identity,’ Heather notes. While financial adjustments are necessary, giving your partner space to process their emotions is equally important.
Here’s the big question for you: Do you agree that open financial conversations are the key to a stronger relationship? Or do you think some topics are better left unsaid? Share your thoughts in the comments—let’s spark a conversation that could change how we think about love and money.